i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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