I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
