Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
