mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
