I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
