So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
tell me about the eggs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
