I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Are my feet made of real feet?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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