can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
