booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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