I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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