I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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