god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My feet surprised me
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