So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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