I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
