they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
