having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
