I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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