I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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