Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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