my vag is so smooth its legendary
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
