The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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