I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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