'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
