I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
