I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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