I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
