Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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