I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
