Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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