alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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