Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
