he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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