What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
