I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's never too late to be topless.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I smell like Dick and happiness
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
