I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
