i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
