why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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