I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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