I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
