Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
40s are totally the cure
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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