I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
