Swine flu. Run for my life!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
