if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
