last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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