that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
