This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
