So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
