Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
