3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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