...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
